Self-Liberation Through Thoughts

So, changing our behavior is one way of improving our sense of well-being. I'm referring to this as a form of self-liberation because we do not have to be shackled to our feelings. We can rise above these in a number of ways. Another way of gaining self-liberation is through changing our thoughts.

According to the cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) model (as well as many other older philosophies), it is not a situation itself that results in positive or negative feelings, rather it is our thoughts about situations that give rise to corresponding feelings. Thus, if I view a "C" on an exam as a failure...and believe that this grade means that I'm not that intelligent...and that people won't like me because they will view me as unintelligent...and that I'll never get a decent job because my GPA is not good enough...then it is likely that I will experience feelings of sadness and distress at getting a C. However, if I view a C on an exam as satisfactory and just a reflection of the limited effort that I put forth on the exam...and that most people won't know or care whether I got a C or an A+ on an exam...and that it will in no way hinder me from achieving my goals...then it's likely that my emotions will not be influenced much by that grade.

The way we think about things is often a result of conditioned patterns that develop from our experiences. Perhaps our parents told us that anything less than an A is totally unsatisfactory and that we'll never amount to anything unless we get As. Those thoughts then become our self-talk or "voice in the head" that repeats these negative messages in particular situations. These thoughts are often "automatic" and basically unconscious. They reside just below our conscious awareness. However, when we turn our conscious awareness on our thoughts, we can then examine the content.

When we examine the content of these negative thoughts, we will often find that they are distorted in some way. Distorted thoughts give rise to distorted feelings. As the cliche goes, do we see the glass as half empty or half full? When the significant other breaks up with us, are there more fish in the sea or will we never love this way again? You can see that our perceptions have a tremendous power over our emotions. In fact, you could say that our perceptions dictate our emotional responses. If I'm opening my closet, and I think a tiger is in there, my body is going to kick into fight or flight mode. It doesn't matter if there's not really a tiger in there, as long as I think there might be, my body will react as if there is one. Our physiological and emotional reactions respond to the mind's "what ifs" as "what is."

Importantly, with some practice, we can become more and more aware of these distorted thoughts. Often we can use strong, negative emotional reactions as a cue to examine the content of our minds. Our conscious awareness can help us create space between our thoughts. Thus, we start to learn that our thoughts are not necessarily true, and we can change these thoughts. When we change the thoughts about situations, we also change our emotional/physiological reactions to those situations.

The downside to trying to change thoughts is that it can be quite challenging at times. The pull of the old ways of thinking become deeply entrenched over time...it's almost as if there is a gravitational pull toward the old patterns. Many times in therapy I've had clients recognize that their old thought patterns are distorted but say they can't help thinking and reacting to their dysfunctional thoughts. One of the inherent problems of trying to change thoughts is that it is easy to get lost in these thoughts...and the more we try not to think in these old patterns, the more we sometimes do.

This goes back to what I quoted from Dr. William Glasser in my last blog, that "It is easier to act your way into a different way of thinking than to think your way into a different way of acting." If I tell you, "Don't think of a pink elephant no matter what," you will immediately...and almost obsessively...start to think of pink elephants. In fact, about the only way you will be able to dislodge pink elephants from your brain is to engage in an activity that is so engrossing that pink elephants are squeezed right out.

This is not to say that changing thoughts through the application of the CBT model (of which there are many strategies) doesn't work. On the contrary, there is much research...and my professional experiences with clients...to support that it can be tremendously effective. It's just that changing thought distortions is not the only way to improve our well-being - it is just a way.

So, changing distorted thoughts is one way of improving our well-being. It works great for many people and through practice, we can become better at it. However, for some people tinkering with their thoughts either perpetuates the problem (e.g., being in their heads too much, swept away by thinking) or provides no symptom relief.

There is another way to enhance our sense of well-being that is neither changing our actions nor changing our thoughts. It is by being rather than doing or thinking. I'll cover this more in my next post.

Self-Liberation Through Actions

Our actions can have a huge affect on our emotional well-being. One of the benefits of focusing on changing our behavior is that it is mostly directly under our control. If you want to raise your arm, it's only a choice away. Although depression can sap our energy and motivation, it is still possible to make small behavioral changes that ultimately can lead to changes in our mood. Some of these benefits come from the activity itself (i.e., it is inherently pleasurable) and some comes from the fact that engaging in these actions engrosses our attention. Thus, the shift in attention can break us out of a cycle of negative thoughts.

So, when we are depressed, jogging 5 miles might seem like a herculean task, but a walk around the block can still provide some symptom relief without seeming too daunting. Similarly, going to coffee with a friend, playing golf, going for a swim, throwing the Frisbee to your dog are all actions that can induce feelings of pleasure while breaking the negative "spin cycle" of the brain. For people experiencing anxiety, doing some relaxed breathing, jogging, doing a crossword puzzle (or other activities that are similar to the activities that break us out of depression), can help reduce the feelings of anxiety. The root cause of depression and anxiety in practically every case is some form of negative spin cycle of thoughts that elicit related feelings.

A funny thing happens when we learn to change our behaviors to improve our mood: We learn that we can change our behavior to change our mood. In effect, one of the (often unconscious or implicit) beliefs that we hold that contributes to us feeling depressed is something like, "I cannot do anything to change how I feel. I'm stuck in this depression and can never get out." In psychology, this is known as locus of control. There is much research that shows there is a strong connection about beliefs that we are helpless and depression. Dr. Martin Seligman called this "learned helplessness." We come to believe that what we do doesn't matter.

In effect, changing our behaviors can give us direct evidence to counter beliefs about helplessness such that we then develop an internal locus of control. Focusing on changing our actions to change our mood...and then our thoughts...supports the notion from Dr. William Glasser (of Choice Theory) that, "It is easier to act your way into a different way of thinking than to think our way into a different way of acting."

Next post, I'll cover more on changing our thinking. Until then, make sure you do something fun!

Self Liberation

Now, I'm on the same journey as everyone else, so I grow and learn just as you do. Thus, I expect my views to change some over time. Still, I'm very interested in finding some core truths that everyone can use to improve their lives. I'm comfortable saying that what I'm about to list here are things that I'll continue to endorse as helpful in some way, shape, or form for the rest of my days.

From my own experiences, observations of the world around, my training and practice as a psychologist, as well as my spiritual journey, I think there are 3 main ways of liberating ourselves from our negative thoughts. What I'm going to do is just list each of these, and then discuss each in more detail in subsequent posts.

Here are 3 broad categories of ways of breaking the cycle of negative thoughts that are at the root of most (or possibly all) our psychological distress:
1. Change our behavior
2. Change our thoughts/perceptions
3. Get out of our heads altogether - instead of thinking or doing, we are being

I know these seem pretty straight forward, but sometimes it's best to agree upon some of the fundamentals before moving forward. I'll cover changing our behavior in my next post.

More on "Spinning"

As I said in my last post, it's easy for thoughts that are just in our imagination to create strong, visceral responses. The exact type of physiological and emotional responses depend upon the content of our thoughts (e.g., lustful thoughts can create sexual arousal, thoughts of being wronged can create feelings of hurt or anger). These thoughts can simply be the product of imagination. Also, they can be expectations about the future or rehearsing some incidents that happened in the past. The main point is that the responses that these thoughts can produce can be quite powerful and the body does not know the difference between a real situation and the content of our thoughts. Our bodies respond to our thoughts as if they are true.

When we ruminate on negative thoughts, our bodies will keep responding as if these thoughts are real. So, if you do this for several hours a day (e.g., think of how wrong that friend was for making that rude comment), we will keep fueling the corresponding emotional responses. This can occur over the span of hours, days, weeks, and even years. And, to top it off, we are the ones that suffer the most from ruminating on these negative thoughts! Liberating ourselves from these unhealthy thoughts is of paramount importance. Our happiness and peace of mind are at stake. Our happiness (or lack thereof) can affect (or infect?) those around us. It's like the idea of karma. I'll take more in my next post about how to liberate ourselves from these negative thoughts.

Igniting Emotions

Our emotions are typically elicited by our thoughts. Situations, in a sense, are neither bad nor good...they just are. It is our thoughts about the situations that give rise to corresponding feelings. Often these thoughts are "automatic" and just below our conscious awareness. If we learn to become aware of them, we can learn to change them or, better yet, just refocus on the present moment. When we are connected to the present moment, by definition, our thoughts are not on spin cycle about various things that can upset us (e.g., "I'm such a failure," "He hates me," "I'm worthless").

Often our thoughts are on autopilot and not technically reactions to perceived events. We can get ourselves worked up without any external stimuli at all. Here's a personal example that just happened to me the other night. I've been going on my "meditative dog walks" nightly now for several weeks. I used to just walk the dogs because "I had to." Now, I try to take these opportunities to get connected to the present moment...look at the stars, listen to the songs of the crickets, notice the different trees and so on. It's very powerful when I do it, but I'm sure you've found when you try to stay conscious in the present moment, it's not easy! I find that my mind easily drifts off, and my consciousness takes a back seat for a while until I somehow realize I've drifted off and my consciousness can pop back in.

On this particular night, my thoughts drifted to some other times in which I was walking the dogs and some unleashed dogs ran up to mine and a short skirmish ensued. Then I thought of how sometimes I'm walking my two young boys along with my dogs. Then I thought, "It would be horrible if I was walking my dogs and some unleashed dogs ran up and starting attacking my dogs...and then started attacking my boys! What would I do?" Well, then I imagined going into a berserk rage to defend my boys...in full technicolor glory. At that moment, my consciousness made it's reappearance. I think I was able to do this because I noticed the visceral response to my imagined encounter. I felt the beginnings of rage! My jaw was clenched. My muscles were tense and ready for a physical defense. My heart was racing and my face felt flush.

I was quite surprised how quickly this all transpired...on my meditative dog walk of all things! My body was going into fight/flight response mode just because of these thoughts. Importantly, as soon as my awareness returned to the present, these feelings quickly dissipated.

These things happen to us all too often. It just illustrates how our thoughts...even in the absence of a clear external stimulus...can result in strong emotional and physiological reactions. Also, had I been able to stay in the present moment better, my peace of mind would never have been disturbed in the first place. Still, entering the present moment has the power to dispel the effects of our negative thoughts because, by definition, if we are connected to the present moment, those unconscious thoughts are not happening.

Mindfulness - Learning to Be Still

In this age of technology we have virtually countless ways to distract ourselves. We have our radios, CD players, iPods, email, talk radio, TV, DVDs, video games, cell phone, text messaging...not to mention our low-tech distractions such as books, crossword puzzles, and so on. Now, these things all of their respective places. I'm well aware of the irony that I'm using the Internet to blog! However, I think we have a hard time of learning to be still...or just learning to Be...because of the prevalence of these distractions. Our brains are so used to being inundated with stimuli that I think our brains try to fill the void when our distractions are silenced. Then we experience the "chatter" of our thoughts, and our consciousness is not really present at these times. The unconscious thinking that goes on is like our blood flowing...it is happening to us rather than a function of our conscious presence.

Learning to Be present...connected to the world around us...is critical to our well-being. Not only is this supported by teachings from many religious and meditative practices, empirical research clearly shows that learning to become more mindful has numerous emotional and physical health benefits. So, periodically take some time out from distractions and try to focus on the moment. Turn your conscious awareness to your breath, the way your body feels, or the sights and sounds to the world around you. These things only happen in the present moment. For example, there are no past or future breaths...the breathing that you are doing is happening right now. Entering into the present moment will give you relief from the current of thoughts that happen to you. It's tremendously liberating because the "now" is always available to you, wherever you go. No batteries or WiFi necessary.

Practicing Mindfulness Daily

It's a given that when we practice something, we get better at it. Our brains are made to adapt to different stimuli. Mindfulness can be practiced in small ways every day such that you will get better at it. If you really wanted to learn a foreign language, you wouldn't practice one day a week. You would practice every day. It is the same way with learning mindfulness, which is to say learning to be present in the moment and take it nonjudgmental view of things.

By learning to be mindful and more in the moment, you'll be more fully engaged in whatever it is that you're doing -- talking to a friend, reading a book, playing golf, and so on. Too often we are not really present when we are here. One important benefit of mindfulness is that it will enhance your connections in your relationships. It is much easier to connect with people, to gauge their emotions and react appropriately to their body language and tone of voice, when we are fully present. When we learn to become more aware in the moment, we will not be subject to the incessant stream of thoughts that often fill our heads. An incessant stream of negative thoughts can give rise to corresponding negative emotions - such as sadness, anxiety, and depression - which will have a negative impact on our well-being. Is very challenging to become mindful in the midst of strong negative feelings. If you only try to be mindful in your most challenging situations, it is unlikely you will be able to "catch yourself." When I say this, who is doing the catching? The conscious and "real" you is doing the catching. You are not the current of negative thoughts - you are the conscious presence that becomes aware of those thoughts and feelings. The key is to practice mindfulness daily so that you will be able to use it naturally when you are in challenging situations.

It is often helpful to associate mindfulness with some type of cue that you encounter on a daily basis. This can serve as a signal to check in with yourself - become aware of your breathing, any tension in your body, the stream of unconscious thinking that is going on in your head, the emotions that you are experiencing, etc. You can also be mindful, that is to enter the present moment, by tuning in to nature - the songs of the birds, the scent of spring flowers in blossom, the shape and movement of clouds, and so on.

Here are some potential cues that you might try using to practice being more mindful:

• Every time your cell phone rings
• Before you make any call on your cell
• At every stop light
• When you wash your hands
• When you take a drink of anything (not just alcohol!)
• When you get onto your computer
• When you log on to any website
• When you check your email

You might think of other cues that you could use that are more fitting for you. The key is to associate something that you do several times per day with mindfulness - use it as a cue to take inventory and be in the moment. As you do this, you will become more adept at it. Then, when you need it most because it's a challenging situation, you will start "catching yourself" and become aware of your negative thoughts and behavior patterns. Once you become aware of these, then you have some space to start changing those patterns and go a different direction. You cannot go a different direction unless you become aware that you are heading down an old direction to begin with!

Give it a try. With daily practice, you will start to experience the difference.

A New Spin on Walking the Dogs

Like many others, I need to walk my dogs every day. They look forward to it much more than I do most of the time. Usually when I walk the dogs I'm walking them and thinking what I'm going to be doing when I'm finished. Eckhart Tolle would say that my "ego" is doing the talking. That voice in my head (just to clarify - it is my voice so I'm not "hearing voices") is in the form of background chatter. Usually I'm not really "there" - at least not my conscious presence. It's like when you are dreaming and you are not aware that you are dreaming - the chatter in your head often happens to you and is not really the result of conscious effort.

As I have been working on mindfulness and trying to be more present - be here when I'm here and there when I'm there - I decided to practice this on my nightly dog walks. So, instead of letting my mind start churning, I breath slowly and notice details about the world around me - the wind in my face, the ground beneath my feet, the stars in the night sky, the moon peaking behind the clouds, and so on. I find these tremendously relaxing and a good way to ensure that I have a meditation time daily - merely from being present while walking my dogs. I think that even my dogs can tell that I'm more at peace.

Try to find something that you do every day and make a point of trying to be fully present during those times. Thus, those times become an opportunity to practice mindfulness. As you practice, you will get better at it. You will notice that you can tune into the moment and tune out the current of your thoughts. Being present will improve your well-being and help you feel more grounded in your daily life - and not as vulnerable to the currents of your thoughts.

Self-Liberation Through Mindfulness

As you can tell, I've really gotten into mindfulness as of late. Although I've been practicing mindfulness for about 10 years, a convergence of things have led me to become more focused on it.

I can say with utmost confidence that mindfulness is not a fad or the latest craze. It's a way of living that has been around for thousands of years. Virtually every spiritual tradition emphasizes some form of mindfulness, although this is usually referred to with some other term such as being conscious, present, aware, and awakened. Western psychology has really begun to focus on the importance of mindfulness in the past decade. Indeed, I believe the popular "cognitive-behavioral therapy" approach (or CBT) really works because we become more mindful of our thoughts...particularly our negative thoughts...and learn not to get swept up in them. There's no way to change patterns of dysfunctional thinking without first becoming aware of the dysfunctional thinking.

As I've said, you are not your thoughts. When you become aware of you thoughts (or emotions or bodily sensations), then you are that conscious presence. Mindfulness is not thinking, it is being. It is that connection with the present moment and what is going on around you. To be mindful, you are not emptying your head and trying to think of nothing. That's quite a challenge! Instead of trying to have no thoughts go on in your head, just tune in to the present moment. How do you know that you're alive? Can you sense your breathing? Do you feel the "aliveness" in your body? Where and how do you feel it? What different shapes and colors do you see around you? How many different sounds can you detect right now? All of these things can pull us in to the present moment. While we are in the present moment, we don't have to fight against a current of negative thoughts. We are standing on the shore and outside of that current. This is liberation.

Mindfullness Challenges

Honestly, I really am working on not "living in my head" too much. I am improving on this, but I am undoing years of conditioned thought patterns. Eckhart Tolle calls this stream of incessant, unconscious thinking the "ego." It is thinking without conscious awareness of your thoughts.

So, this is kinda funny and a great example of how I need to work to liberate myself from this unconscious chatter that goes on in my head. Mind you, most of this is pretty innocuous (e.g., I wonder what would be good for lunch today) and often fairly positive (e.g., For this next client, I really need to talk to her about...). Now, there's a time in place for everything, and certainly there are times for these types of thoughts. However, too much thinking pulls us away from the power of the present moment...thinking instead of Being. Learning how to be Present (i.e., mindful) is critical because that helps us to connect to others and the world around us. Also, negative thoughts hold no power over us when we are fully Present...because we are Being and outside the current of unconscious negative thoughts.

Anyway, I get kind of enthusiastic about new things, and Tolle's most recent book, "A New Earth" really connects with me. In it, he eloquently (although sometimes a bit cerebrally) espouses the importance of being awakened to the present moment. So, I'm taking a shower and thinking of how wonderful the book is and how important being Present is. Suddenly, to my dismay, I realize that I have this stream of unconscious thoughts going on in my head about how great being Present is!! Aargh...I think to myself. Then I think, "Isn't this ironic how I'm thinking about how great being Present is and I'm totally not present while taking this shower. Now THAT'S irony." Then I just realize...Uggh! I did it again! At that point, I stopped thinking of being Present, ironies, etc., and just enjoyed the feeling of a warm shower. Finally, I was Present.

Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth"

I read Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" a few years back and really liked it. As the name implies, it's mainly about learning to live in the present moment (i.e., mindfulness). He can be a bit "new age-y" at times, but I think most of what he is saying is very good. I reviewed that book on my website: http://www.drmikebrooks.com/austin_psychologist_resources.htm

Tolle's latest book, "A New Earth" is part of a webinar that Oprah is doing every Monday at 8:00 pm. The webinar is 90 minutes, and it's live. I know it might seem "fluffy" because it's now on Oprah, but please don't confuse Mr. Tolle with Dr. Phil (who seems like Jerry Springer). There are some important "truths" that Mr. Tolle eloquently presents that are part of spiritual traditions that date back thousands of years. Thus, he's not really saying anything new, but he thoughtfully describes ways in which we can recognize and understand our true nature and learn to quit identifying our "being" with our thoughts. We are not our thoughts. I'll definitely be writing more on this, because I'm very excited about where this is taking me personally and professionally.

If you are interested in the webinar, you can go to Oprah's website or just download the audio portion on iTunes for free (just run a search on "Tolle Oprah" and it will come up.

Here It Is - Your Moment of Zen

What gives you the greatest sense of peace and joy? Are you allowing time for these things in your day? Look at your daily schedule - what are the things on there that truly give you this sense? If you are having trouble finding anything, you need to adjust your schedule! Adjust your daily schedule to fit in at least 30 more minutes of activities that give you peace and joy. If you allow for 8 hours for sleep (which you should be getting), that leaves you with 16 hours in which you can find these 30 more minutes. If you dedicate yourself to making this change, you will definitely reap the benefits over time.

Mindfulness & Using the Cell While Driving

Okay, I already posted on this already, but I just heard some statistics on the radio (I forget the name of the agency behind the study - I was driving at the time and couldn't write it down) that a driver's risk of having an accident while talking on the cell phone is 4 times higher than when not talking on the cell. The increased accident risk is the equivalent of driving with a blood alcohol content of .08%, which is considered legally intoxicated in all states.

So, the next time you are about to talk on the cell phone while driving, ask yourself, "Is this really necessary?" If it's urgent, consider pulling into a gas station to make that call. Fighting the urge to talk on the cell while driving is a strong one - I struggle with it too! We are a busy society and live in an "on-the-go" culture. Talking on the cell while driving can alleviate boredom and kill two birds with one stone, if you pardon the expression. You might be tempted to talk on the cell just out of habit, but try to be mindful and ask yourself if the increased risk is worth the potential cost.

Mindfulness & Nonjudgment

One critical aspect of mindfulness is trying to take a nonjudgmental approach to viewing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. We are often quick to label things as "good," "bad," and related variations (e.g., wonderful, horrible). For example, we start thinking things such as, "It's terrible that I have so much do," "I'm a bad person for saying that," etc.

Certainly, there are times when judging is appropriate. After all, we'd have to always flip a coin or roll a die to make all of our decisions if everything were neutral. That would make life quite ridiculous! However, we need to realize that once we start judging things as good or bad, our feelings getting pulled along with these judgments. When we become mindful, we try to adopt a nonjudgmental approach so this gives us some psychological distance from our thoughts. We are not our thoughts - we are much more than that. But when we are not mindful, in a sense, we can become victims of our thoughts - be swept away by a current of negative thinking.

Here's how this can work practically. Let's say that you made a social blunder at a party. You might think to yourself, "I'm such an idiot for doing that!" Now, it's a given that it's probably never helpful to be so harsh on oneself, but let's say you are having trouble being kind to yourself. A mindfulness strategy that could help you feel a bit better is to think to yourself, "I'm having a thought that I was an idiot for doing that."

By using this approach, we are able to create some distance from the current of our thoughts. In essence, we are standing at the shore and watching the current of our thoughts. If we extend this metaphor of our thoughts as a river further, then stopping a river is quite a challenge. Getting out of the river to stand at the shore and safely watch the river flow is much easier. Give it a try sometime when you notice yourself getting inundated by negative thoughts and feelings (note that negative feelings typically result from our negative thoughts). As you practice, you'll get much better at getting to the shore. Sometimes you'll even prevent yourself from even falling into the river in the first place!

Using the Breath to Become More Mindful

One of the easiest and most powerful ways to become more mindful is to focus on the breath. Breathing always occurs in the present. It has the power to anchor us to "the now. " So, periodically throughout the day, take some slow, deep breaths. Try to inhale deeply using your diaphragm for a count of 7-10. You should feel your belly rise slightly on the inhale. Hold your breath for a second or two, and then slowly exhale for a count of 7-10. Listening to the sound of your breathing can help you to focus on the present. Rather than thinking of the sometimes daunting task of meditating for 30 minutes a day, try some slow, relaxed breathing several times throughout the day. You'd be surprised at how good it feels to take even one slow, deep breath. As you practice at it, you will notice a greater sense of calm and presence.

What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is the idea that we are not our thoughts. When we are mindful, we are tuning in to the present. The past is behind us. Regrets about the past cause us to feel down. Glorifying the past diminishes the power of the present - it pales by comparison. Likewise, focusing too much on great things that might happen in the future pulls us away from what is happening now. Worrying about what might happen in the future causes us distress in the present.

Mindfulness has the power to liberate us, to unshackle us, from dwelling on the past or future. This does not mean to never reflect on your past or plan for future, but there are times to do that and there are times that we should be fully present and soak up the experiences of the moment. Much of our anxiety and depressive feelings come from dwelling on the negatives of our past or worrying about possible negative outcomes in the future. Thus, becoming more mindful has the power to improve our mood and decrease psychological distress.

Cell Phone Follies

The next time you are driving and considering making a call (or answering one) on the cell, ask yourself whether this is really necessary. The temptation of using the cell phone while driving is like the call of the Siren. Yes, it's fun to chat on the phone while we are driving. Sometimes we can even conduct our business over the cell while driving. We can accomplish so much more this way, right? Can we really afford not to capitalize on this opportunity?

In short - yes! Talking on the cell phone increases our risk of having an accident, which is a steep price to pay for talking on the phone. You or someone else could be seriously injured or killed because we are not great multitaskers when it comes to driving and talking on the cell (even with the hands-free mics). You are deceiving yourself if you think otherwise.
So, the next time you are tempted to use the cell while driving, stop and take some slow, deep breaths instead (with your eyes open, of course!). If you really need to make a call, pull into a parking lot and give that person your full attention. Talking on the cell while driving is just not worth the increased risk when it comes down to it.

New Year's Resolutions

I gave some suggestions last year on how to make and keep New Year's Resolutions. Here are a few more suggestions:

1. Make the resolutions concrete and measurable.
2. Be realistic - don't set the bar too high.
3. Some progress is better than none. If you did set the bar too high to begin with, adjust it so that it is more realistic. For instance, let's say that you were not exercising at all in 2007. You make the resolution to go to the gym at least 5 times per week and work out for one hour. That's a huge leap over nothing at all. If you find this goal is too challenging at this time, rather than giving up completely and going back to what you were before (0 times to the gym per week), adjust the goal to something that is more attainable, like 3 times per week for 30 minutes. This is still a substantial improvement over not working out at all.
4. Tell your significant other or a close friend of your resolution so that he/she can help support you in reaching your goals.

Good luck & Happy New Year!

Holiday Connections

For these holidays, try taking 15-20 minutes to contact a long-time friend or relative with whom you've lost contact. Our best memories of the holidays are usually about the good times spent with friends and family members. Instead of (or in addition to) just sending the usual holiday greeting cards, give someone a call and catch up on things. They'll be glad you did and so will you.

Don't Feed the Anxiety Beast

If you are prone to anxiety, there are some things that are best to avoid. One broad category of material that should be avoided is violence in the media. I know that this might sound very obvious, but I'm often surprised by how frequently I hear that a client is experiencing anxiety yet is watching a lot of horror movies or violent crime programs (e.g., CSI).

In essence, when we become anxious, we are perceiving threats to their physical or psychological well-being. Our brain and bodies respond to these perceived threats by getting into fight or flight mode. We are on a heightened state of alertness and ready for action. Back when we were in a more primitive state of evolution, this could mean that we are ready to flee an immediate danger or fight for our lives. However, now we can often just imagine dangers and our bodies are put into alert status.

Violent movies and television programs can feed this beast of anxiety in that our minds become more preoccupied with threats to our well-being. This can cause us to vastly overestimate the chances that we will become victims of a violent crime. Social psychologists have found that persons who are exposed to a great deal of violent media start to view the world and others as more hostile than they really are (e.g., vastly overestimate the chance that they will be mugged while walking down the street). As our minds become more saturated with violent images from the media, it naturally adds fuel to the fire of anxiety. We are putting ourselves into fight or flight mode when the situation does not really call for it.

So, if you know that you are prone to anxiety, try cutting back on your exposure to sources of media violence. This can include books, magazines, prime time news (where if it bleeds, it leads), and newspapers. I'm not advocating that you stick your head in the sand - just be careful with what you are feeding your brain. It's not that this is a panacea for anxiety, but even if it helps a little, that's something.

Our Worst Misfortunes Never Happen...

I've said before that I'm a big fan of quotables, empowering words, etc. I use them all the time myself. Some people think more in terms of images, but for me, it's mostly words.

This one came to me by way of a client. He was using this to help him with anxiety. This is from Honore de Balzac, a French novelist and playwright (b. 1799 - d. 1850). We wrote:

"Our worst misfortunes never happen, and most miseries lie in anticipation."

I see this as a very powerful (general) truth. Certainly, we encounter some great misfortunes in life, but never as many as our minds spin for us. What is so interesting is that the amount that we actually suffer in anticipation of possible misfortunes happening far outweighs the misery caused by these negative events actually happening.

Now, we can all think of exceptions to this, but let's try to view this as a general truth that we can use. Here's an example that fits what I'm talking about. Suppose you have a presentation to make at school or work in two weeks. You begin to worry about it. What if I mess up? What if I don't have anything intelligent to say? What if I leave a bad impression on people? What if I lose my job because my presentation is so bad? We've all been there at one time or another. You lose some sleep over it. You fret, you agonize, you pace around, you are on edge...for two weeks leading up to the presentation.

Then you give the presentation. Maybe it's not a home run and people don't give you a standing ovation, but you do okay, say some relevant things, then you are done and people move on with their lives. You are relieved. Whew! Glad that is over!

Now think about this. In effect, you suffered for two weeks leading up to this presentation. If we could actually measure the amount of suffering that you endured...with a "sufferometer" or something...we would find that this amount was much greater than the suffering that you would have experienced even if your presentation hadn't gone well! The chances that your worst fears come true - that you flub your presentation so badly that you become a laughing stock for the remainder of your days on earth - is nil.

This goes back to Balzac's statement, "Our worst misfortunes never happen, and most miseries lie in anticipation." If we can remind ourselves of this when we notice that we are beginning to become anxious, we just might be avoid or mitigate some unnecessary suffering.

Sleep Loss Linked to Obesity in Kids & Adults

Ok, I promise that I'll stop with this at some point, but some research just came out on a link between sleep loss and obesity in kids. In the November 2007 issue of Journal of Pediatrics, a study showed that every additional hour per night a third-grader spends sleeping reduces the child's chances of being obese in sixth grade by 40 percent. The sleep threshold number for 3rd graders was 9 hours and 45 minutes, such that children who slept more than this significantly reduced their risk for becoming obese in the 6th grade.

Sleep deprivation has a similar effect on adults. Researchers have found that sleep loss causes problems with the hormones that regulate appetite (ghrelin & leptin). It also can be that sleepy individuals are less likely to exercise and more likely to watch TV and eat while they do so.

There you have it - more reasons to get more sleep!

Sleep Loss Linked to Psychiatric Disorders

I recently ran across a new study that illuminates the negative effects of sleep deprivation on emotional regulation (a link to it as at the bottom of this article). One of my first posts was on the importance of sleep to our emotional well-being. Basically, the sleep deprived brain is not able to regulate emotion. In the well-rested brain, the amygdala (a region of the brain that puts the body on alert so we can protect ourselves in times of danger) is functioning normally. However, in the sleep-deprived brain the amygdala gets stuck in overdrive, so to speak. Normally, when the brain perceives there is a threat, the amygdala becomes active but the prefrontal cortex, which is involved in our higher reasoning and logical thinking abilities, is able to step in and regulate the amygdala (and thus our emotions) when it turns out that a fight or flight response is not warranted.

Thus, a sleep-deprived person is likely to overreact to relatively minor irritations with more intense emotions than are warranted. As they state in the article "...while a good night's rest can regulate your mood and help you cope with the next day's emotional challenges, sleep deprivation does the opposite by excessively boosting the part of the brain most closely connected to depression, anxiety, and other psychiatric disorders."

It's likely that most mood problems such as depression and anxiety have a reciprocal-causal relationship with sleep deprivation. Thus, an anxious person is likely to lose some sleep and, as he/she becomes sleep-deprived, his/her anxious responses to stimuli are likely to increase. Then the person has even more difficulties sleeping because of the heightened anxiety and so on.

So, if you become sleep-deprived, for whatever reason, it's likely to increase negative emotions such as depression, anger, and anxiety. Not that increased sleep is a total panacea, but it will only help your mood (and your cognitive functioning like memory) when you are able to get more sleep.

Here's a link to the full article: http://www.berkeley.edu/news/media/releases/2007/10/22_sleeploss.shtml

Easy Technique for Practicing Breathing

In the last post, I discussed the importance of using the breath to anchor your awareness to the present. One easy way to practice this is when you are stuck at a traffic light. This often frustrating situation provides a golden opportunity to practice breathing. So, the next time you are stuck at a red light, use this as a cue to practice slow, deep abdominal breathing. Sit up straight so that you can open up your lungs. Keep your eyes open because you don't want to get too relaxed! Relax your muscles. Ease your grip on the steering wheel, inhale deeply for a slow count of 5, hold your breath for about 2 seconds, then slowly exhale for a slow count of 5.

If you do this, you will find that a situation that normally causes increased tension has now become an opportunity for increased relaxation. As you start to view traffic lights as an opportunity to practice relaxation, chances are that they will not annoy so much in the future. I'll go even further - you might even look forward to getting caught in a traffic light so that you can practice your relaxed breathing. It might sound very peculiar, but it's what has happened to me as I have practiced this technique over the past couple of years. Give it a try - you have nothing to lose - except maybe some stress!

Breath as the Anchor

Many forms of meditation, including yoga, focus on the importance of breathing. While it is obvious that we must breath to live, there is much power hidden within the simple, often unconscious act, of breathing. One important aspect of breathing is that it always takes place in the present.

Focusing on the past or future can often get us into trouble. Regretting things we've done or said in the past makes us feel guilty and sad. Focusing on the "glory days" of our past often causes the present to pale in comparison. Thinking about distressing events that could happen in the future causes anxiety. Believing that the future will be better than now, although it can give us hope in times of need, can cause us to start believing that "the grass is always greener on the other side" - now is not as good as later.

By focusing on the breath, it forces our awareness to be in the present moment. When you do this, you are likely to experience a sense of liberation and relief. When you observe your thoughts to be drifting too frequently to the past or present, use the breath to return your awareness to the present. You'll be surprised at how powerful this simple technique is - when you use it regularly.

It Is What It Is

Another favorite saying that I hear and use a lot is, "It is what it is." This seemingly obvious statement holds great power if we can learn to accept the reality of its meaning and use it strategically. It neatly captures the essence of other things about which I've written.

Simply put, there are certain realities that we must learn to accept. Again, this is not about resignation and giving up. If we get stuck in traffic, pounding the steering wheel and cursing at other drivers does not make the traffic go away (contrary to what some people believe). Now, we can control how early we leave for work, which roads that we take, listening to traffic reports before we leave, etc. So, these are the areas in which we need to exercise our control.

Despite our best efforts, we will sometimes get stuck in traffic. This is a situation in which telling yourself, "It is what is is" can help. Fighting the reality of a situation that you cannot change is wasted energy. Worse than that, allowing oneself to become frequently stressed and angry over such situations has a strong negative impact on both our emotional and physical well-being.

So, focus your energies on controlling those things that can be controlled (or at least can be influenced by your actions), and try to let the rest go. Even if we can't control (or influence) some situations, we can control how we respond to such situations. Remind yourself of this important reality by telling yourself, "It is what it is." This can help you learn to accept what is beyond your sphere of control and to redirect your energies on things which you can influence. Using this saying strategically is one of the things that you can control.

Practice and You'll Get Better Despite Yourself

I like to use "old sayings" for motivation. I have quite a few bouncing around in my head, and a few favorites that I regularly use. Many of these contain great truths that, if we learn to capitalize upon them, can help us lead happier, more fulfilling lives.

A martial arts instructor once told the class, "If you practice at something, you'll get better despite yourself." That has always stuck with me. The meaning is clear - if we practice, we can't help but improve. Our own incompetencies and weaknesses will give way to improvement if we just practice. I like this saying much better than "Practice makes perfect," which just isn't true. I understand the sentiment, but practice makes better, not perfect.

So, when you think of attempting something new, and you feel a bit anxious that you won't succeed, remember that "If you practice at something, you'll get better despite yourself." No matter what the activity is - learning a foreign language, how to play piano, drawing, putting in a ceiling fan, or having more compassion - you can bank on the fact that you WILL improve if you practice. It cannot be helped - it is the way our brains and muscles work. They learn to adapt to stimuli. Think of your own experiences in the past that will confirm the truth of this statement.

I plan on taking guitar lessons quite soon. Not only do I not play any musical instrument, I objectively do not think I will be a quick study at guitar. However, I do know this for a fact - after I practice playing guitar for a year, I will be much better than I am now. I can take this reality to the bank - as can you.

The Worst Thing to Do When Feeling Depressed

When you are feeling depressed, there are many things that you can do to help yourself feel better or to make yourself feel worse. I've touched on some of the things that can help you feel better before, but right now I just want to mention what not to do. If you reflect upon your own experiences, I think this will ring true.

The last thing that you should do when feeling depressed is to isolate yourself from others and think negative thoughts. Oddly enough, that's often what we want to do when we are feeling depressed, but it's usually the last thing we need. According to the very popular cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) model, our thoughts lead to corresponding emotions. Thinking negative thoughts is likely to result in feeling depressed, anxious, or angry (with the specific feeling depending upon the specific type of thought).

Isolating ourselves from others when feeling depressed often results in us ruminating about the things that are depressing us - a failed romantic relationship, rejection, job dissatisfaction, conflicts, our shortcomings, etc. As these negative thoughts cycle through our heads, we tend to get more and more depressed.

Most of our happiness in life in one way or another is derived from having satisfying relationships with others (and I'm not talking about romantic relationships -it's more broad than this). Isolating ourselves from others makes our world shrink. Our dark thoughts become our private little world. The thing is, relating with others allows us to get out of this dark world and to connect in satisfying ways with others. Most importantly, it will break up the cycle of negative thoughts as we engage in interactions with others.

So, the next time you are feeling depressed - even if you want to go home alone and drink a beer by yourself - try to call a friend and go do something - anything! Even if it doesn't exactly make you happy because you have a major struggle you are going through, you are likely to feel less depressed than if you had gone home, isolated yourself, and focused on the negative things in your life.

Taking Different Perspectives - A Walk in Someone Else's Shoes

Developing a subtle mind is critical to maintaining strong relationships with other people. By this, I mean that it is helpful to view problems and disagreements from different perspectives. Life and people are rich and complicated. Seldom is there just one "right" way to view things.

It is a given that, when a person holds a perspective or position, they think that they are "right." If the person believed that they were wrong, they would not adopt this viewpoint to begin with! To help resolve our differences with others, try in earnest to see the validity in what the other person is saying. This has many benefits:

1. The person will feel "heard." It is validating and feels good for that person just to know that you have made the effort to try to understand their point of view. Plus, no one likes to be thought of as "crazy" or "an idiot" for holding a particular view.
2. It is easier to reach a compromise when we see the merit in another person's position.
3. We are less likely to become polarized when we see things from another person's vantage point. That is, people tend to take more extreme stances - toward the opposite ends of the continuum - when they don't try to see the validity in the other person's perspective. Polarized stances are inherently divisive. Which brings us to the next point...
4. You are better able to maintain a relationship by getting into another person's shoes and walking around in them. Maintaining strong relationships with others is a key to our happiness. So, to put it in an odd way, we end up shooting ourselves in the foot when we don't get into another person's shoes and walk around in them!

Whether it's with our partner, friends, family members, or co-workers, try seeing things through their eyes the next time you are in a disagreement. You are likely to find that this helps you to stay connected with them in a positive way.

A Clarification about Suffering: Resignation vs. Acceptance

In my previous post, I discussed the importance of accepting the fact that an inescapable reality of life is that we suffer. I am not endorsing that we should just throw in the towel and give up when confronted with challenges and suffering. We should not just say to ourselves, "Ah, this is my lot in life...to endure this terrible suffering." That is what I would call resignation. In psychology, this type of resignation is sometimes referred to as learned helplessness. Learned helplessness is said to occur when we give up in the face of adversity because we don't believe that our efforts make a difference when, in fact, they still can. This type of thinking can often lead to feelings of depression.

When our efforts can make a difference, by all means, I think that we should try! There are usually ways to avoid or escape many types of suffering. For example, we cannot stop the aging process. Maybe someday science will even solve that riddle, but I don't believe that it's going to happen in my lifetime. What we can control is how we take care of our bodies. We can exercise, eat healthy foods, get plenty of sleep, put in smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, etc. So, we control what we can and learn to accept the things that we cannot control because fighting against that which we cannot control does absolutely no good. Yelling at the sky will not stop it from raining. In fact, it is harmful to our bodies to be chronically emotionally distressed. Thus, being distressed about growing older, ironically, will cause our bodies to more susceptible to illness, disease, and the ravages of time.

Control the controllables. Try to influence variables that legitimately can be affected by our actions. And know that there is tremendous power in accepting the fact that we cannot control some things. It is liberating, not damning.