Use of Praise with Children - Part 1

It seems like it is common wisdom to praise our kids for things like their athletic skills, musical ability, intelligence, creativity, talent, etc. We want them to internalize all of our praise and have high self-esteem, right? Interestingly, the research does not bear this out. Praising kids for things that are not directly under their control, like intelligence, can backfire.

Sure, we can improve our cognitive abilities (to a fairly large extent) through our efforts. But when we praise our kids with statements such as "Wow! You are SO smart!", we are not praising their efforts. We are praising an attribute as if it were a quality that is etched in stone.

Psychologists have devised a number of ingenious experiments to test the idea that praising kids with statements about attributes such as intelligence helps them have high self-esteem so that they can persevere when they encounter challenges. What they are finding is that when kids are praised as being "smart" , they are more likely to give up when encountering challenges. The psychologists hypothesize that such children are faced with a dilemma when they encounter these challenges. They say to themselves, "If I'm so smart, why am I having difficulties with this?" Rather than relinquishing the idea that they are smart, these children often give up more quickly.

In contrast, effort is something that is more directly under our control. Children who are praised for their effort and perseverance tend to want to keep working when they encounter challenges. The praise reinforces the children's efforts, and these children also are more likely to experience the reward of succeeding in a challenging task. In effect, they get two rewards - the praise from the adult and the reward of completing a challenging task.

Ironically, children praised for their intelligence and other attributes with the goal of trying to increase their self-esteem are more likely to give up...which undermines their self-esteem. So, try to focus on praising your children's efforts rather than trying to bolster their self-esteem through just telling them how smart or athletic they are. This helps them to learn to focus their energy on what they can most directly control...their effort.

Tragedy at Virginia Tech

Like everyone, I was both shocked and saddened by the mass murder that took place recently at Virginia Tech. My thoughts and prayers go out to the family and friends of the victims, as well as to the family of the shooter, Seung-Hui Cho. The healing process will be long and painful, and the scars of loss will always remain.

How could someone do such a thing? I'm sure that many professionals and experts will offer their opinions as to why this senseless massacre happened. Was it because Mr. Cho was mentally ill and did not get proper treatment? Should authories have forced him into long-term inpatient treatment? Was he exposed to too much media violence in the form of video games and movies? Was his access to handguns too easy?

I don't think there is a simple answer. Life is complicated. While it is sometimes reassuring to identify a single factor at the root of things so that it can be easily changed, the reality is that a combination of numerous, interacting factors is the likely answer.

Life can be beautiful at some times and so painful in others. I think that the best we can do is try to help each other out on this journey that is filled with the tragic and the sublime. Our connections...our relationships with others are what heal us through our suffering and help us to achieve our greatest joys. It is clear that Mr. Cho felt disconnected, hurt, and isolated from others. Perhaps becoming disconnected from others contributed to his mental illness. We have all felt the pain of feeling isolated from time to time. It's a tough place to be, and it seems that Mr. Cho always felt this way.

Although questions will remain as to why this tragedy occurred, what we do know is that we cannot take this life for granted. Our time here is finite. Because our happiness and that of others resides in our relationships, we should make it a priority to establish and maintain strong relationships. The joy that we experience in life is inextricably linked to our relationships. When we suffer, our connections with others are what allow us to heal. Pulling inward and disconnecting will only lead to more suffering.

In the past when I was around people who experienced loss or grief, I always wished that I knew the "right" thing to say. Ironically, searching for the right thing to say stopped me from doing the right thing...just trying to connect to a person who is suffering by showing empathy and concern the best that I can.

As you move forward, I encourage you to be mindful of the importance of your relationships with others. Through our highs and lows, we need to stay connected with others. To the extent that we do this, we will feel more complete and fulfilled...as will the people with whom we connect.

Parenting Tip - When It's Not Okay to Say Okay

Parenting can be both extremely rewarding and difficult, as any parent can attest. As parents, we cannot completely control what our children and adolescents do and attempts to do so can result in a great deal of frustration (for everyone involved). However, we can influence how our kids respond to us by the words that we choose.

A small, but helpful tip is: before we address our kids, ask ourselves if what we are about to say is a request or an option. If it is an option, it is fine to phrase it as a question. For example, you might ask your child, "Would you like to wear your dinosaur pajamas or your Star Wars pajamas tonight? " That's a fine way to say it this way because you really are giving your child an option (note that it is sometimes best not to give young children too many choices because they can get overwhelmed).

If, however, you are giving a direction to your child, don't phrase it in the form of a question. For example, avoid saying something like, "Well, do you think it's about time to head to bed?" If, it's bedtime, just say, "It's time to get ready for bed. Please go brush your teeth." Also, avoid saying something like, "I need you to put your dirty dish in the sink, okay?" By adding the word "okay" and phrasing it as a question, it allows a child to decline the request. A better way to phrase this message would be to say, "Please put your dirty dish in the sink." This lets the child clearly understand that what your saying is not an option, it's a direction.

As a parent and a psychologist, I believe in having rules and limits, but I try not to have too many. One of our goals as parents is to teach children how to learn how to use freedom in a responsible way. If we have too many restrictions and limits, children do not get the developmental practice that they need to eventually become autonomous. However, when we do have limits, restrictions, and directions, it's up to us to be consistent and communicate as clearly as we can to our children. Thus,we need to ensure that our "yes means yes and my no means no" and that our directions are not phrased as options. Importantly, we should also not make commands out of things that could be options. Kids need to practice making choices and we need to provide those opportunities...within reasonable limits, of course!