Parenting Tip - When It's Not Okay to Say Okay
Parenting can be both extremely rewarding and difficult, as any parent can attest. As parents, we cannot completely control what our children and adolescents do and attempts to do so can result in a great deal of frustration (for everyone involved). However, we can influence how our kids respond to us by the words that we choose.
A small, but helpful tip is: before we address our kids, ask ourselves if what we are about to say is a request or an option. If it is an option, it is fine to phrase it as a question. For example, you might ask your child, "Would you like to wear your dinosaur pajamas or your Star Wars pajamas tonight? " That's a fine way to say it this way because you really are giving your child an option (note that it is sometimes best not to give young children too many choices because they can get overwhelmed).
If, however, you are giving a direction to your child, don't phrase it in the form of a question. For example, avoid saying something like, "Well, do you think it's about time to head to bed?" If, it's bedtime, just say, "It's time to get ready for bed. Please go brush your teeth." Also, avoid saying something like, "I need you to put your dirty dish in the sink, okay?" By adding the word "okay" and phrasing it as a question, it allows a child to decline the request. A better way to phrase this message would be to say, "Please put your dirty dish in the sink." This lets the child clearly understand that what your saying is not an option, it's a direction.
As a parent and a psychologist, I believe in having rules and limits, but I try not to have too many. One of our goals as parents is to teach children how to learn how to use freedom in a responsible way. If we have too many restrictions and limits, children do not get the developmental practice that they need to eventually become autonomous. However, when we do have limits, restrictions, and directions, it's up to us to be consistent and communicate as clearly as we can to our children. Thus,we need to ensure that our "yes means yes and my no means no" and that our directions are not phrased as options. Importantly, we should also not make commands out of things that could be options. Kids need to practice making choices and we need to provide those opportunities...within reasonable limits, of course!
A small, but helpful tip is: before we address our kids, ask ourselves if what we are about to say is a request or an option. If it is an option, it is fine to phrase it as a question. For example, you might ask your child, "Would you like to wear your dinosaur pajamas or your Star Wars pajamas tonight? " That's a fine way to say it this way because you really are giving your child an option (note that it is sometimes best not to give young children too many choices because they can get overwhelmed).
If, however, you are giving a direction to your child, don't phrase it in the form of a question. For example, avoid saying something like, "Well, do you think it's about time to head to bed?" If, it's bedtime, just say, "It's time to get ready for bed. Please go brush your teeth." Also, avoid saying something like, "I need you to put your dirty dish in the sink, okay?" By adding the word "okay" and phrasing it as a question, it allows a child to decline the request. A better way to phrase this message would be to say, "Please put your dirty dish in the sink." This lets the child clearly understand that what your saying is not an option, it's a direction.
As a parent and a psychologist, I believe in having rules and limits, but I try not to have too many. One of our goals as parents is to teach children how to learn how to use freedom in a responsible way. If we have too many restrictions and limits, children do not get the developmental practice that they need to eventually become autonomous. However, when we do have limits, restrictions, and directions, it's up to us to be consistent and communicate as clearly as we can to our children. Thus,we need to ensure that our "yes means yes and my no means no" and that our directions are not phrased as options. Importantly, we should also not make commands out of things that could be options. Kids need to practice making choices and we need to provide those opportunities...within reasonable limits, of course!
posted by Dr. Mike Brooks at 11:09 AM
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